The Feeling Is Real

Having a difficult time imagining what it must be like doesn't mean I don't know pain.

Not having been through the same exact thing doesn't mean that I can't feel sorrow, grief, or moral injury.

It shows in your body. It shows in your face. It shows in your choices in action. It's easy to try to find a way to drown or numb the way we feel.

The struggle is real. We feel what we feel. It hurts and it feels like there won't be any escape.

While the world judges us, criticizes us, demeans us, and shames us for not fitting in their neat little boxes of categories with identifiable properties that make them feel better, we can only hope they will never know how it feels.

Titles don't mean anything. Status doesn't make it better. Power means nothing when we feel so broken. Nobody understands how the hurt is shredding our insides or how our heart aches to feel better.

The feeling is real while our guts feel twisted like horses must feel when they're writhing from colic.

Maybe a drink will numb it, we think. Not realizing that the lie is in "nobody," "everyone," "should," "can't," and "never." The lie is in the phrase, "just smile." While we lash out at demands that we're prettier when we smile.



We don't care about being prettier or making them feel good when they don't understand. How could they?

How could they know what it feels like to have an identity that feels like an empty vessel? How can they know what it feels like to have nothing? How can they know how deep the sorrow goes and how can they know the cracks in our soul?

Maybe they don't. Maybe they don't understand what to say or how to say it. Only certified professionals have the credentials to help us through. Except, we don't want anyone in our heads and picking us apart because the pain of dredging all of that up is too difficult to face.

Maybe I don't know exactly what you feel. How could I? I do know what it is like to feel the sense of hopelessness and helplessness. I do know what it feels like to love and to have lost. I know what it is like to grieve and what it is like to despair.

I know how the chest can ache with sorrow and grief and I do know what it is like to miss someone we love. I also know what it is like to love and to never be loved in the same way we love and what it is like to hate that.

There is a lot that is familiar to me and while I may not understand, I do feel. Many of us are feeling the feels and those that do not understand and cannot love us in return--it was never about us. It was all about them.

Makes me think about so many people. Knowing the pain and choosing a different path. Trying to help and not succeeding. Wanting to take the pain away. To bear the pain for them and knowing the only way out is through.

Lyrics:

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest

Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'

'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah-ah, the sun is blindin'

Ah-ah, I stayed up again

Oh-oh, I am findin'

That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high

Nothing can touch me

Why do I feel this party's over?

No pain inside

You're my protection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence

The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth

Please don't tell me that we had that conversation

I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?

Ah-ah, the night is callin'

And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"

Ah-ah, I am fallin'

And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round, spinnin' round

I'm lookin' for myself

Sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round, spinnin' round

Lookin' for myself

Sober

When it's good, then it's good

It's all good till it goes bad

Till you try to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry, never again!

Broken down in agony

Just tryin' to find a friend

Ohhh

Oh-ohhh

I'm safe up high

Nothing can touch me

Why do I feel this party's over?

(Why do I feel this party's over)

No pain inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high

Nothing can touch me

Why do I feel this party's over?

Whoahhh

No pain inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

(How do I feel this good sober)

DepDawg #BeatSaber #Oculus #Quest2: Multiplayer Spin Eternally Expert

 

@goonessa

DepDawg ##BeatSaber ##Oculus Quest2: Multiplayer Spin Eternally Expert

♬ original sound Christine Deputy381

Spider's Eyes #RomeDidIt

@cmdeputy

##RomeDidIt

♬ FEEL THE GROOVE - Queens Road, Fabian Graetz

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Facebook Horizon 'Women In VR' Horizon Museum

Attended 'Women In VR' held by #Facebook #horizonmuseum tonight and had an opportunity to experience meeting other women. 

As more people joined, a question was answered about the number of people that would be able to attend an event before the experience would be degraded. The answer to that is about 20 attendees which would not be ideal for large venues.

I remain optimistic that the Max Headroom audio and the glitches will be addressed because we are all in the process of learning. We are venturing down paths that we have never been before with futuristic technology many of us thought we would never see in our lifetime.

There were other worlds that the system would not let me visit because of the volume of avatars visiting the museum. That is exciting. Frustrating, yes and that's okay. From my perspective, unforeseen challenges are to be expected as we journey with VR.

Facebook has some of the largest datacenters in the world so it's difficult to believe that it may be a server capacity limitation. Unless it is reliant on VM and it was not forecasted to have that many women in attendance. 

VR is new enough that we are all learning lessons as we go along and it's amazing that so many of us women were interested enough to break the performance. To me, that is a pleasant win.

With this pandemic, it is exciting to imagine a new way of networking and meeting new people while social distancing.

 

DepDawg Oculus Rift Beat Saber 'EPIC' Tokyo Machine Expert+ Mode

 

Still tweaking my system and learning how to set things up.

Colon Cancer: When A Cancer Warrior's Parent Is Diagnosed With Cancer

Can you imagine what it's like to be a parent of a toddler that was sick with cancer? Can you imagine what the tumor excision and treatment may have done to the development of that child? Can you imagine what it must be like to navigate, as a parent, through social access disability and realizing your child is autistic?

Now--try to imagine one of the parents being diagnosed with cancer too and the child's caregiver becomes the caregiver for all. It is difficult for me to begin to try to imagine what it must be like to be in that caregiver's shoes.

I am a caregiver of a veteran that was diagnosed with tuberculosis. The antibiotics took their toll and exacerbated his C-PTSD. I became the sole provider when he expected to be the provider and caregiver for me, as a cancer patient.

Some of us are lucky enough in life to never have to struggle through circumstances like this. Some of us are all too familiar with it. Whether we are caregivers of patients or children--I believe that a large number of us can try to imagine the struggle that is involved.

The research and record-keeping responsibilities, alone, can be a daunting task when emotions are difficult to control. Some people would demand that the caregiver "just get over it." Some would declare, "Grow up! This is life!" How is that helpful?

Those of us that have been through something a little similar but different may be able to imagine what it must be like. If you can, try to imagine what it must be like for the Davis family.

Their daughter was diagnosed with a tumor in her brain. It was not a small tumor. It was very large and it had to be removed. Their daughter struggles with seizures and they are in constant vigilance in the middle of the night prepared to rush to the hospital if she has a bad enough seizure.

They had to become skilled at knowing when the seizure is bad enough to have her admitted. They also have to research the best approaches for their daughter's needs so she will be able to have some skills to be self-supportive in life eventually.

Now, the father has been diagnosed with colon cancer. He is the sole provider. This leaves the burden of everything on Nat Davis' shoulders.

If you have the ability to assist, please consider supporting the family during this difficult time. Nat is working on several methods where support can be provided for the styles of many contributors. Healthcare subjects are difficult enough in current events and everyone has their idea of how things "should" be. However--what we believe and what we think can be parked because now, this family could really use some intense support.

Below is a link to her post. Thank you, in advance, for considering their situation. Thank you, in advance, if you do go to her Patreon site to support them.